Greetings Unicorns. I hope you had a great off season. Our GM Legend has added three new players to the Unicorn fold. I thought it would be a good occasion to post who the Unicorns are for our neophyte pinkies. Also, I have gotten a lot of "what the hell are the Unicorns from facebook friends and this post would be a good way to educate them as well.
The Unicorns: Webster's defines a unicorn as a mythical animal generally depicted with the body and head of a horse, the hind legs of a stag, the tail of a lion, and a single horn in the middle of the forehead.
I define them as a hard drinking, fun loving, agile, and hard hitting group of six men and six women that gather every Tuesday evening at Grant Park to win and drink (not necessarily in that order).
Here is our line up:
Mary AKA Pitch: Sometimes referred to as Cy Young as she holds the record for most softball pitching wins in coed softball history. Currently her record is 522-315. Her marquee move and claim to fame is stopping vicious line drives with her face. No one can question Pitch's commitment as she gives 110% to team. Here is a picture of Pitch after another win uncharacteristically not in pink.
Crystal AKA Agent Bauer: Agent Bauer is our star hitter and first basewoman and oddly the only player that openly has contempt for the pink shirts. We call her Agent Bauer because she can hit a home run, stop a line drive by Babe Ruth winning the game, drink copious amounts of beer, bitch that there is no more miller lights, drink whiskey, and then save a damsel in distress on the CTA coming home from some creepy dude. The amazing thing is Bauer does not even need 24 hours to complete all of these tasks. This is a 4 hour job for our beloved Bauer.
Victoria AKA JIT: JIT is probably the most dedicated drinker on the team. One time she showed up in the 6th inning. She was like "screw the game, I am here for the beers." We were once winding down at the Cactus club when she order a round of shots for everyone in pink. You have to love the enthusiasm she brings to the diamond I mean the bar.
The next three girls are collectively known as T-Bear's Angels
Paige AKA Paigeroo - T-Bear realized he needed to go international to compete in the Grant Park softball world. He therefore went off on a quest through SE Asia to find another Ichiroo Suziki type player. He found her in his own restaurant after all his travels when he was refilling a hibiscus ice tea near the bar. It was either her or Monette, so glad it worked out this way.
Jackie AKA Jackie O'unicorn - The first lady of the Unicorns is Jackie O'unicorn because she is pretty enough to be married to a president or a millionaire just like her namesake Jackie Onassis. She is also the first lady of Unicorn beer shotgunning.
For those that follow the Unicorns closely they would observe two new nicknames for the first two of T-Bear's angels. Paigeroo and Jackie O'unicorn are two new unicorn names. Congratulations girls on your new names. I look forward to yelling "Paigeroo get to second," and "Jackie O'unicorn throw the ball to first."
The last of T-Bear's angels is Katie AKA Big Red. A new nickname will soon emerge for this pesky out and our expert catcher. Pitch owes a lot to the way that Big Red calls a softball game. Just like any catcher she is a master of the pitch sign. Her favorite is when she flashes a two under her mitt and then the middle finger and then tilts her whole hand under her glove (all this and the other team cannot see it because it is a secret sign). This clandestine ritual is baseball sign language for "Pitch you better get this batter out in two minutes or I am going to be fucking pissed because I want to drink my beer." Katie is in the middle in the pic below.
Now for our gentleman unicorns:
Russ AKA the Legend AKA the GM of the Unicorns. After losing several key men last year Russ put on his pink unicorn sweater and pink pants and canvassed the sandlots, softball fields, bars, and strip clubs (why he went there when we already had a full contingent of females is anyone's guess). It is lucky he did not get gang raped and sodomized for his efforts, but he somehow survived unscathed and found three new softball men to put on the pink. I look forward to seeing that pink pants, white unicorn sweater, and the magical blue cooler being pushed towards the field. There is nothing more magical than that.
Steve AKA El Turk - Our home run hitting center fielder and fellow Sox fan anchors the Unicorns line up. El Turk slumped a bit last year and only had 5 home runs instead of the usual 10. I have to give him credit though as nowhere during the year did his drinking curtail. I always say that you must control what you can. If in a slump the best way out of it is to keep drinking. I know and expect a return of form from the mad and huge Mexican.
Ted AKA T-Bear - Called T-Bear because he is so damn lovable. Twice in one game Big Red walked off third base to give T-Bear a hug and was thrown out. This is the effect he has on women. Instead of yelling "round the base," or "stay" on the bag T-Bear has to yell "I will give you a hug later just don't get out." Everybody please click on the blue link on my name at the beginning of this paragraph. Photo evidence of my irresistibility is below.
Last year we fell a little bit short of our goal. This was due to a lack of cohesive drinking on the team's part. Especially disappointing on this front was our former star outfielder Mr. Brady. Usually he was hitting home runs and then drinking till 3am on a regular basis. Last year he started off with a bloop double to the pitcher and his drinking suffered as well. A couple of times he said "I am out of here," and peddled home on his bike when it was still light out.
This type of behavior could not be tolerated for long. I have some contacts in the State Department and had him and his family exiled to Trinidad and Tobago. Therefore, learn from his lessons and no bloops to the pitcher and no leaving until every beer is gone. The Unicorn creed is "the team that drinks together wins together." (picture below shows Brady to the right back when we were in the playoff hunt and the beers were flowing. Notice the theme of beer and winning, the two are synonymous in the Unicorn world)
Now that our newbies know what and who we are, I hope to see all of you on Tuesday April 20th at Grant Park for a practice at 5:30pm. This will be the year we will tear apart our opponents without mercy.
As Samuel L. Jackson said in Pulp Fiction "The path of the righteous Unicorn is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of the fat umpire with the mustache. Blessed are the Unicorns, who in the name bud lite, miller lite, and sometimes pbr, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for the Unicorn is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of patrone shots at Cactus club. And the Unicorn will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to make our drinking less fun due to beating us in softball. And you will know our name is the Unicorn when we lay our vengeance upon thee in the form of Pitch's arc and Unicorn home runs.