2010 is officially the year of the Magical Flying Unicorn

Despite the ignominious second to last game of the season, this year has been a year of firsts for the Magical Flying Unicorns. Our first championship, our first number 1 seed, and the first time I have ever seen anyone doubled twice off of 2^nd base in one softball game.


One game does not summarize the overall accomplishments of a year. We should not reflect on the abortion of a game put forth by the team this last Tuesday. Let the ugly fetus of our fall championship hopes get sucked up the collective vacuum of our memories and leave only the good memories behind.

Remember Vicki sliding in the mud at first base in the craziest game ever and not T-Bear lamely hobbling after ground balls like a 60 year old man who needs his cane. Remember the shock on CNA’s faces as we slammed the door shut on their perfect season with a stunning 10-7 win instead of the disbelief on our faces when we were down 15-0. Remember Smores making that final catch against Tank U and our #1 fan Javi dancing jubilantly with a fountain of beer instead of Legend crossing home plate as the center fielder caught a routine fly ball.

Remember Turk buying $300.00 of shots at Cactus instead of everyone bailing after a 17-4 dismantling. Remember Juice streaking home with the winning run off a Sparky RBI single instead of seven runs scored in a row in the first inning on countless errors. Remember two double header sweeps in a row done in impressive fashion instead of the cockiness of CCAO at our expense. Remember the 179 feet of baseline that the Legend was safe on during his notta home run instead of the one foot where he was out.

In a world full of “what have you done for me lately,” we can look past the recent ugliness and savor the great season we had. As a matter of fact after going down 15-0 we finished the game beating CCAO the last couple of innings 4-2, so pat yourself on the back for winning the last three innings of last week's game.

We had a phenomenal year. After sweeping the playoffs in the spring after a lackluster regular season we then had an impressive fall season grabbing the #1 seed. It seemed that championships and $585.00 grew on trees for hungry unicorns until 7 batters scored in a row last Tuesday.

The truth is championships are elusive no matter what the sport or on what level the competition is at. I can give two examples of the fickleness of championships in the softball world.

After the championship last year Juice sent me an email and said he had never won a championship before and has played softball for 15 years. A player of his talents one would think he has a living room full of first place trophies.

In my ’12 in league our team won three championships in a row dating back two years ago. This year we have equally talented players and lost in the first round of the Spring league and lost in the championship of the Summer league.

In the summer league we were 7-0 and beat most teams by crazy scores of 18-4. In the finals we got off to a 7-1 lead after the first inning. We only scored 1 more run the rest of the game. In the last inning we had runners at first and second with nobody out trailing 9-8. If we plated those two runners it would have been a walk off championship. Instead, darkness fell and a line drive caught by the shortstop turned into a triple play to end the game as the runners at both first and second pulled a Russ.

The year of the Unicorn is not over either. On October 23 the The Magical Flying Unicorns will cap off the 2010 softball campaign with the party of the century. When Unicorns celebrate, they celebrate hard, so I anticipate being hungover until the New Year after that one.

Congrats Unicorns on a great season.

The Magical Flying Unicorns sweep their way into the playoffs

The Magical Flying Unicorns swept their way into the playoffs with two impressive double digit scores against good teams. CHA and TNT are two teams that we have gone up against for years. The first game was CHA. We defeated this team in the semi finals two falls ago to set up our first championship effort. We lost in the finals 3-2 that year.

The key to the victories on Tuesday were big innings and of course Pitch and defense. We started off the first game with four runs in the first thanks to big hits by Turk and Bassmaster after the usually reliable T-Bear (don't forget to click on the T-Bears) started off the game with a fly out.

We broke out in the second inning in a big way with 8 big runs. New Unicorn Gina showed shades of Sparky with a lead off hit. T-Bear followed with a double. Both Unicorns scored on a double by the red hot Turk. Legend and Bassmaster followed with doubles and the route was on. Everyone got into the act as Ruben singled and scored as did Smores. Jackie-O also scored and Gina finished the inning the way she started it with a single. Two hits in one inning. Great job Gina.

Our usual top notch defense was really suspect. Fortunately, this team did not have the bats to take advantage of our errors. One error was wiped out by a 4-6-3 double play after a wayward throw by the Legend. Awesome job by Bassmaster for starting the twin killing. Another error by Bauer was almost erased by another double play as T-Bear started what should have been a 6-3 double play, but it just turned out to be a 6 unassisted fielder’s choice (for those scoring at home) as 3 dropped the ball.

In fact, 3 (the code for first baseball scorecard lexicon) dropped four balls. After the fourth drop it was time for management action. For those that know Bauer they know that she is feisty, proud, and ornery. Yelling at her, or really anyone for that matter would not be effective and replacing her would not work as although Bassmaster could play first we are better defensively the way we are.

I figured the best option would be to make fun of her in front of everyone. That would get her pride up and piss her off and make her focus. I went over and comically inspected her gloves for holes as something had to be wrong with it. Of course she got angry and after that she focused and did not drop a ball the rest of the game. In fact, she was a star in the second game.

Photo caption: Agent Bauer looked more like Agent Soriano in beginning of the first game

There are certain plays in a game that really take the wind out of the other team's sail. In this game it happened when their very capable lead off dude hit a line drive up the middle. Our 35 year old Pitch showed reflexes of a 20 year old and like a cat scooped up the ball on the short hop and threw it over to Bauer (who finally caught one). This demoralized the other team and although we never scored another run after the second inning, we did not need to as we ended up winning 12-5.

I love the fact that T-Bear went 1-4 and we not only won, but we won convincingly. Usually when the leadoff hitter gets only 1 hit it does not bode well for the rest of the team. Thanks Unicorns for picking up my poor offensive performance.

It was on to play TNT. This is a team that has been a thorn in the side of the Unicorns for 3 years. In our inaugural fall season we lost to them 14-13 in the first round of the playoffs. We lost to them last year too by one run and I think we lost to them in another season by one run as well. We have only beat them once and that was last fall. They just beat the undefeated team, so it was apparent that they were still good.

T-Bear started off with a double and scored on a Turk sacrifice fly. Even when the sizzling Turk gets out he contributes. We went out meekly in the 2^nd and 3^rd, but we kept TNT scoreless for the first two innings.

TNT is not a team that hits the crap out of the ball, but they are very talented at hitting them where they aren’t. Their girls are also well versed in placing the ball in the gaps. They showed off this talent in the bottom of the third inning and scored 6 runs. We did not play our best defense in this inning, but we did not play our worst. There were a couple of hits that just barely went off gloves for base hits. That is what TNT does when they score runs.

After being down 6-1 after three innings T-Bear really thought this game was lost. We had only scored 1 run in the last 8 innings and it was doubtful that we could keep up with TNT considering we were already 5 down. Then the Unicorn offense awoke with a vengeance.

The top of the fourth not only saw us catch up to TNT, but we passed them with 8 big runs. We had consecutive hits and all of those Unicorns scored. The highlight of the inning was a two run triple by Bassmaster who blasted a line drive right up the gut of the defense and it kept rolling. Jackie-O also smashed a line drive double right down the line in the middle of the hit parade.

Not only did we score runs, but we also held TNT after the 4^th inning. Since TNT pulls the ball it really puts pressure on the right side of the infield and they responded. Bauer made a nice play on a ground ball and made an unassisted out and also had an unassisted double play after catching a line drive. Jackie-O continued her solid play as rover and caught several balls out in center and Pitch and Bassmaster continued her solid play at second. Turk also shrugged off early season catching woes and made a great play on a sinking liner. Legend made two nice throws at third in the later innings to help seal the game and Bauer held on at first.

Speaking of sealing, the Unicorns came through with a ton of insurance in the top of the 7^th. Six more runs put the Unicorns up 15-8 and put the game on ice. The Unicorns showed great offensive production with two huge innings. T-Bear, Turk, Legend, Bassmaster, Ruben, and Smores all had 3 hits.

Another proud Unicorn is Bassmaster who has been in a little bit of an offensive slump this year although she has been great with the glove. After our last game T-Bear encouraged her to fire up her hitting. She did this with a vengeance in this game with five hits including some huge RBI in some of our most productive innings.

The Unicorns are currently tied for first place with the team that we play next week. Although we know that seeding does not mean much, but it would be nice to be the #1 seed. We have never been the #1 seed, so it would be another feather in our horns.

See you on Tuesday Unicorns.

The Magical Flying Unicorns sweep a double header

The Magical Flying Unicorns sweep a double header and are now 3-1 as we are already more than halfway through the season. Last week we split a double header with an 18-2 victory over POAs who were one of the worst teams I have ever seen.

Their female shortstop actually had a decent glove, but it is ridiculous to go down to one knee in the infield. That is a maneuver done in the outfield in little league. Their pitcher was so bad that she was somewhat effective. However, her defense could not catch a ball, so we killed them.

The next game was one of those games we should have won, but two great plays by their right fielder kept us from tacking on key insurance runs and the second catch from winning in walk off fashion in the 8^th inning. We have gone on an impressive run lately, and we were bound to lose a game, so no big deal. If we play them again we will be motivated to win and we should have confidence knowing that we can win.

The first game this week featured a rematch with the Norc Cobras. We played them the first game of last season. We beat them 10-6 thanks to a Juice grand slam. They were horrible last year and were lucky to score 6 except that we gift wrapped them 5 unearned runs.

I have to say they are much improved and scored 4 runs in the first to take a quick lead. There were no errors either as they got lucky with some well placed hits.

T-Bear (as always click on the links and give the coach some love) led off the game with a walk and scored, and Turk plated Pitch to cut the lead in half. After the four runs in the first, our defense and Pitch took over. The rest of the game felt like a game of catch between T-Bear and Agent Bauer.

Thinking back on it I don’t think there was one play where I had to move. All were routine grounders hit right to me. The only one I moved a little bit on was the last play of the game where Bauer made a fantastic stretch to end it. This is a testament to the unhittability of Pitch's arc. The opposition can only weakly hit it to short.

The offense chipped away at the lead and then took it and never looked back. T-Bear and Turk paced it with perfect games including a home run by Turk.

The only thing that slowed the Unicorns down was the umpire. This guy was in no hurry. In between innings he briefed their mini me on how to fill out a score card. I think he also gave him the history of keeping score from the Stone Age all the way to electric score cards and now the internet.

The first lady of unicorns hurt her pretty little leg following an at bat, but gutted out the remainder of the game. In fact, she made a great catch and double play as rover with a hurt quad. We might have to change her nickname to Butkus after that display of toughness.

The next game was a much tighter affair against Hagan’s Heroes. We actually got them in order the first two innings, and I was thinking this could be a perfect game, but they got a hit in the third, so the press conference for Pitch was canceled.

Jackie could no longer fight the injury and gave way to Pitch Jr. Pitch Jr. promptly grounded out for her first at bat, but it was a productive out. T-Bear sailed around third and it was an RBI in Pitch Jr.’s first at bat.

The game remained tight and Pitch was giving me a heart attack with a number of 3-1 counts on guys. Not once though did she give in on the 3-1 count and create an automatic walk situation. Great control here as automatic walks will kill you in close games.

It was 3-2 going into the later innings when Hagan’s Heros launched their secret weapon. Their girls started to bunt. Unfortunately, they failed to read the league handbook, which states that bunts are illegal. The ump in fairness let them have a do over and did not even call a strike on the bunt attempt. He could have called her out.

In response the Heroes went with secret weapon number two. They campaigned a ruthless war of the whine. They bitched and moaned, they cried, they sobbed, they complained, and it was not just the coach, but the whole team.

A second bunt was called and again he fairly let her hit again, and they intensified their sobs. It finally worked as the ump had a defeated look on his face and waived a white flag. The Unicorns took note and played shallow for their weak hitting ladies.

3-2 is not a very safe lead and fortunately Turk came through with what turned out to be the winning run with a 6^th inning home run. They scored again in the bottom of the 6^th and then Smores came through with some huge insurance to put us up 5-3 going into the bottom of the 9^th.

We were up two runs last week and allowed them back into the game where they eventually won, but not this time. We got the first two critical outs before they got a hit. Then one of their ferocious bunters came up.

Sure enough she pooched a little soft liner to third that went through the Legend’s legs. Normally T-Bear is apprehensive to grab anything that emerges from in between the legs of the Legend, but there was no time to ponder this thought and I picked up the ball and threw to Bauer to end the game and seal the double header sweep.

The real key of the week harkens back to the drinking performance from Ruben, Turk, and T-Bear. Many Unicorns immediately bailed and left a heavy burden on the livers of the remaining trio of Unicorns. New Unicorn Gina helped out with a few, but it was the three aforementioned players that drank tall and set us up for victory in this week’s double header. This bodes well for next week as we once again were the last to leave Grant Park, and we also had decent participation at Cactus.

I have some very sad news to impart. After a long and lengthy softball career including one Unicorn championship and one runner up and three other softball championships, T-Bear's shorts are finally going to be laid to rest. Say a prayer for a pair of shorts that had an amazing career. In five years it will sure to be a first ballot softball hall of fame inductee.

See you next week.

Magical Flying Unicorns fly away with the Lord Grant Park trophy

The Magical Flying Unicorns fly away with the Lord Grant Park trophy in a tense 9 inning affair that had the Unicorn nation hearts fluttering. Speaking of the Unicorn nation, it was great to see an actual Unicorn nation at the game. The fan turnout was incredible. It was a small sea of pink gathered together to root on our lovable team.

Photo caption: The Unicorn nation replete with pink, beautiful girls, and even banners

We had mothers, fathers, daughters, husbands, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, ex-co-workers, ex cons, ex wives, landlords, former Unicorns, mistresses, and of course we had Javi the #1 fan of course. There was a time when #1 fan was because he was our only fan, but we now have a significant following live, on facebook, and even twitter.

Photo caption: #1 fan Javi with trophy, T-Bear and Smores

Special thanks to Morgan for the awesome photos (she is our official Unicorn photographer), and Gene Bass for being official Unicorn score keeper. We even had banners and several hot chicks that turned out to watch. We are becoming as popular as the Cubs, but we actually win.

Photo caption: Our official score keeper Gene Bass with Legend and the trophy

T-Bear was uncharacteristically tardy and got there just in time to open up a beer take a swill and head over to hear the ground rules. I am so tired of listening to the dumb ground rules. We are made to hear the same boring speech 18 times a year. I feel like a bored kid in class as my eyes wander around the field. I usually use this time as an opportunity to check out if the other team has any hotties. What was great about today is we had great eye candy in our cheering corner. Yay Unicorn nation.

Photo caption: the hotties of the unicorn nation and Bauer's boyfriend

The game began with a bang from the Unicorns with three straight hits from T-Bear (don’t forget to give T-Bear some love and click on him (don’t worry it is no virus)), Jackie O, and Turk. Legend followed with a hit and gave the Unicorns a two run lead after the first frame.

Photo caption: Jackie O gets another early hit to lead on the Unicorn attack

In the second, Juice induced a walk and took Bauer with him on the automatic walk rule, and it looked like we were in business. Smores got a hit and the Unicorns were up 3-0. Unfortunately, Bauer ran us out of the inning at 3^rd base. I take some of the blame as I waived Juice home and was preoccupied with him scoring. Then I looked up and I saw Bauer and her massive mammaries barreling toward me and I did what I always do when this happens and stared in wonderment. I should have snapped out of it and held her at second, but that is easier said than done. Anyways, it was beginning to look like the past two games where we tacked on runs in almost every inning and shut down the opponent enough to win.

Photo caption: Smores with another RBI

It was not to be that easy however as after that we did not score again until the 9^th inning. Inning 3-8 was a mirror of our season from week 2 to week 6 minus the forfeits. The score card through the middle to late innings were a wasteland of GOs and FOs, which is scorecard jargon for ground outs and fly outs. We had one inning we went 1,2,3 and three other innings only four Unicorns batted.

We lost 3-2 in the finals to Risky Business two years ago, and I felt pleased that we outdid our offensive effort in that game by the third inning, but without more runs it was inevitable that they would score and they eventually tied it up. A few Unicorn miscues helped them out. Despite our errors, we stayed poised and made quick work of most of their females and even some of their males.

Photo caption: The Legend at third base

Special shout out must go out to Agent Bauer at first base whom might eventually lose her nickname in favor of the name “stretch.” First base is one of the most important positions in softball. Many outs are recorded there and it is also important for first base to stop bad throws from going out of play in order to keep the runner at first in order to maintain a force option at second.

Photo caption: Bauer at first

She did her job with panache this year and I felt that any ball in her vicinity was an automatic out. This was apparent in this game as she even came off the bag a couple of times to either stop the ball and on one play catch it and tag the runner. She also caught one scoop.

Photo caption: Bauer coming off the bag at first

I believe it is the first basewoman’s job to catch everything from the knees to maybe a foot over the top of the head. It is the job of the fielder to throw the ball in that vicinity. Any throws made outside this area are not expected to be caught and when they are it is a bonus. Bauer made all the catches within the zone and exceeded expectations with a few outside of it.

As a shortstop when I have confidence in my first basewoman I throw the ball better. I make throwing errors when I question the abilities of the first basewoman because I try too hard to make the perfect throw. This is when I tend to short hand the ball. Thanks to Bauer she has made me a better player, and I hope to throw it to her for years to come.

Photo caption: Bauer at first. This is not a stretch, but a contortion

A softball game is either one hour or seven innings. After six innings the score was knotted at three. This put us in a great disadvantage as we were the away team and the home team always has last ups. All they needed to do was score one measly run in the 7^th or 8^th inning and the game was over and championship won in walk-off fashion.

Photo caption: Juice makes a nice running catch

The 7^th inning went without incident as both teams meekly went down without much of a threat. The 8^th inning is when things got interesting. In the top half of the inning Turk led off with a hard grounder to 3^rd and I think they made one of the few errors for them in the game and threw it away. Turk was on second with no outs. He advanced to third on a ground out by Pitch and then Legend hit a ball far enough to easily sacrifice Turk.

However, instead of tagging, Turk jumped the gun. I am convinced there is a colony of ants at third base that insert themselves into player’s pants at key junctions of the game. This is the only explanation here. They jumped into Turk's pants at the critical moment and he jumped off the bag prematurely. Turk had to return and then could not advance. This could have proven costly and almost did.

Photo caption: Pitch throwing some deadly arc

The next half-inning will go down in Unicorn lore forever. Tank U got three consecutive hits with well placed balls that barely eluded Unicorn fielders. They had the bases loaded and nobody out. Most times in softball this will lead to three maybe four runs, and all they needed was one and game over. All they needed was a long fly ball, a well placed grounder, or even a swinging bunt would have been sufficient.

Instead they did nothing with the opportunity. First girl up popped out to T-Bear. Then a dude tried to go the opposite way, but popped out to shallow center. Smores fired it home and an alert Bauer corralled the ball and stopped the runner at third from advancing. Then their weakest hitter grounded to T-Bear and the Unicorns magically escaped.

Photo caption: One of those well placed balls eluded the rover

The inning deflated Tank U and sparked the Unicorns. Juice led off the next inning with a hit and was followed by another hit by Smores. First and third with one out and guess who stepped up at the plate? Did I say “the inning ‘sparked’ the Unicorns earlier in this paragraph? Us literary types call that foreshadowing. Up to the plate stepped Sparky, who is becoming as big of a cult figure as the Unicorns themselves. The crowd yelled “Sparky, Sparky, Sparky.”

Photo caption: Juice starts another rally with a base knock

I initially penciled in Sparky to replace Jackie-O in the second hole, but then changed my mind and put her in the ten spot. I did this because I knew she would have an opportunity to influence the game more at the tenth spot than the second spot. Once again, T-Bear’s strategy turned magical and up came Sparky at the time when the Unicorns needed to ignite their offense.

Photo caption: Sparky sits on the bench and patiently waits her chance to change softball and Unicorn history

All she needed to do was place a ball where the speedy Juice could score. She came through and achieved what Tank U failed to do in the 8^th. Juice flashed home quicker than T-Bear can squeeze an orange at Big Bowl, which is not saying much because it is kind of a slow tedious process. Let's try that again. Juice flashed home quicker than you could pour a glass of orange juice in a small glass. He touched the plate right as the ball arrived and was called safe in a bang-bang play. The difference in the game was we had a spark and Tank U did not.

Photo caption: Our star Sparky

T-Bear must pause and give a special shout out to our ump. This ump in this game used to hate us. At least it seemed that way. He made a controversial call that ended our championship run two years ago, and he seemed to always give other teams the close calls. He has done a 180 degree turn and given us the magical calls this year. We have worked our magic on him.

Photo caption: Tony the once much maligned up now a Unicorn favorite and Bauer making another stretch

Back to the action: Sparky stopped in mid stride to first and threw her hands up and screamed “YES.” “Sparky, “ I yelled, as I was first base coach, get to the bag and then celebrate. Fortunately Tank U was too busy arguing the call to notice Sparky’s solo celebration and she was able to resume her run to first with a game changing play. T-Bear than collected his fourth hit of the game with a well placed ball right down the first base line and the score was now 5-3.

Photo caption: T-Bear drives in the last run of the game for the Unicorns

In the bottom of the ninth they got a base hit to lead off the inning. Then a fly out or pop up made it one out and a runner still at first. Then a line drive was hit to the Legend and he had the runner off the bag and an easy out to end the game. It would not be that easy though as the dreaded third base ants once again made their appearance and jumped into the Legend's pants. Russ got too antsy and fired it outside the range of Stretch (Bauer). The guy got to third and the game continued. Another hit made the score 5-4.

Then a ball was hit to center and if it dropped they would tie the score. The ball seemed to hang in the air forever as it moved in slow motion.

Photo caption: This is how the ball appeared to T-Bear at short as it hung in the air forever

Smores made a beautiful running catch and smothered it with his marshmellowy body. The celebration was on. Go crazy Unicorn nation go crazy. Tank U went home and the Unicorns stayed and partied. After coming so close two years ago and not even making the playoffs last year with a revamped team it was especially gratifying to win it all this year.

Photo caption: Smores that big lug made the game saving catch

Another big shout out needs to go to Pitch. I cannot believe I barely even mentioned her name at all in this write up until now yet her name was behind every word as we are nothing without our Pitch. If Sparky ignites us then Pitch is our engine. Her excellence is so constant that we sometime forget how great she is. Pitch proves with her 570^th career win that pitching and defense wins championships, but pitching is the egg and defense is the chicken and offense is the mash potato and gravy, or something like that. Tank U actually out defended us, but we out hit them barely enough to win, and of course we had a secret weapon in our Sparky.

Photo caption: Pitch is our team MVP for every game and every season

Great game by Smores in the outfield and behind the plate as he was on base three times, made the game winning catch, and several other nice plays. Juice is like a second lead-off man. He has great instincts on the base paths and his base running was an integral part of our win. He also made a great running catch late in the game.

Photo caption: When Juice gets on he usually scores

The Vicki/Sparky combo in the tenth hole got on base three out of four times. Sparky yet again got a key hit when we needed it most. In fact, all season Sparky and Jackie O came through with some timely hits.

Photo caption: Jit taking a rip

A question I got asked many times during the night is “did I ever think we would have won the championship?” The answer is "yes, of course." Not only did I think we would win, but I knew we would win. After the first practice Smores and I came across a macabre scene. Three dead squirrels were squashed on Columbus and the sole survivor of the family, one of the babies lay quivering on the shoulder traumatized from witnessing the horrible deaths of mother, father, and brother.

Photo caption: Key mid season acquisition Bassmaster

T-Bear knew right then and there that it was an oracle handed down from the Unicorn gods. The three dead squirrels signified three losses and the squirrel that survived symbolized hope, survival, and staying alive. This is what we did and all we had at certain times during the year when our offense sputtered and we lost close game after close game that we should have won. However, I knew that fate and destiny was on our side and as long as we stayed alive we would eventually succeed.

Photo caption: Victorious Unicorns

The hope was sometimes dim, but we survived and kept fighting and never died. If I would have told of this oracle sooner it may not have come true and others may have thought I was crazy or maybe even drunk, so I am only coming clean now. Congrats Unicorns and thanks for the great season and for being magical.

Photo caption: T-Bear gets a beer cooler shower while holding the magical flask

The celebration was as epic as the game, but I am unfit to be the author of that post as I remember little. Thanks to Turk for the shots at Cactus and thanks Sparky for once again saving the season and being the only one cognizant to take home the trophy.

Photo caption: Turk with a trophy and shots for all

Photo caption: Marie, Legend, and T-Bear doing the Unicorn pose with the trophy

Magical Flying Unicorns rally then lose

The Magical Flying Unicorns after playing the worst inning of their pink career came back and made a game of it only to ultimately get mauled by the Madison St. Maulers. It was an ugly game or inning and coach T-Bear (as always click on the pretty colored lettering over my name for an interesting piece of writing) can only hope this game wakes up our dormant bats, gloves, and in one case legs. If the bad fielding was not enough we only managed two runs in the first 5 inning. That is a recipe for a loss, and the unfortunately the meal turned out to be a 11-9 defeat to a team we had no business losing to.

"It is more fun when we win," echoed El Turk when talking about post game beers. "This one will stick with me for awhile," bemoaned the Legend after the game. The same can be said about the post game write up. However, it is also cathartic and a good way to lay the game to rest. So with this post RIP dropped balls, pop ups, and almost HRs. Farewell lame loss to a lame team. Here is to a wasted great pitching effort by Pitch going 6 feet under.

At least the game featured a spirited comeback sparked by two prodigious home runs from Turk and Smores. Game ball (other than the one that always goes to pitch) goes to Smores who continued to smack the crap out of the ball and through week two is definitely the Unicorn MVP. Key hits by lady unicorns Pitch and Big Red almost turned the tide of the game, but it was just not meant to be.

The best moment of the game occurred on a triple by Legend. Even though he was pegged at home the official rule book states that he would be credited with a triple and a base hit even though out at the plate. I think this play has created a new unicorn stat. The new stat is now called the notta HR.

Every announcer has their little signature home run call. From "hey hey" to "holy cow" to "touch em all" there are hundreds of different lines announcers use to excitedly announce a home run. However, a notta HR is virgin territory since T-Bear just made up the stat just now in this blog.

Here are some new terms to come into the baseball lexicon thanks to Legend's almost miracle run around the bags with the HR equivalent.

HR
Touch em all

Notta HR

Touch 3 and out

HR

Round tripper

Notta HR
Round 3.99 or if fractions are preferred 3 99/100

HR
Holy cow it is a Home Run (Harry Caray)
Notta HR
Holy goat it is notta HR

HR

Hey hey its a home run (Jack Brickhouse)

Notta HR
Hey, oh my its notta home run

HR
STRETCH (Hawk)

Notta HR
SLIDE

HR
You can put it on the board YEEEEES (Hawk)

Notta HR
You can put the tag on before home, OH NNOOOOO

HR

back, back, back, back, back. . . . Gone (Chris Berman)

Notta HR
Run, run, run, run, slide, slide, slide. . . . . out

HR

It could be it might be it is home run

Notta HR (Many)
It could be it might be it is notta HR

HR

Kiss it goodbye

Notta HR
I am not kissing it (lady unicorns in unison after Legend's notta HR)

I will take some blame for the play as traditionally it is the on deck hitter at a play at the plate who must indicate for the runner to slide. That would fall to Big Red, but she has difficulty with staying on third base as it is (that is not what the guys say :) ) so as coach I should have been there. Next time.

We made quick work of the beer thanks to help from #1 fans Emily and Javi and a round of shotguns despite no help from Pitch. We stunk so bad that she departed right after the traditional after game handshake without even a goodbye.

Sorry for my quick departure. I still had not recovered from my christening of the unicorn flask from the week before. Many may have thought I left for the same reason Pitch did, but that is not the case. Was not feeling even 75% and I am going out of town this weekend. Did not want to jeopardize my weekend.

Lady Unicorns please watch fellow ladies Jackie and Pitch. All females besides these two are not properly keeping their back foot anchored and are bailing out on their front leg. This leaves no balance and no power. The problem is coupled with swinging at too many high pitches. Pitch and Jackie are displaying excellent form and are ripping the ball.

Here are the stats for this week: Please let me know if there is anything incorrect. Remember we have a game June 1st immediately after the holiday weekend. We need to put this game behind us take the momentum from the come back and let's not give the game away in one inning. As always let me know ASAP if you cannot make it.

Big Tuna 1-4 1 R

Jackie O 1-4 1 R

El Turk 1-3 1HR 1 R 3RBI

Pitch 2-2 1R 1 1B 1 2B 1 BB

Smores 3-3 1 HR 1 2B 1 1B 2 R 2 RBI

Bauer 0-3

Juice 2-3 1 2B 1 1B 2 RBI

Kangeroo 0-3

Legend 2-3 1 R 1 2B 1 3B *

Big Red – 1-3 1 1B

T-Bear 2-2 1 3B 1 1B 1 BB 1 R

Bassmaster – 0-2 1 BB 1 RI

Season Cumulative

Big Tuna - 1-5 .200 avg 1 R 1 1B
Jackie O - 2-7 .285 2 R 2 1B
El Turk 4-7 .572 avg 1 HR 4 RBI 2 R 3 1B
Pitch 3-5 .600 avg. 1 2B 2 1B 2 BB 2 R
Smores - 4-5 .800 avg 2 HR 4 RBI 3 R 1 2B 1 1B
Bauer - 0-3 .000 avg
Juice 4-7 .572 avg 1 HR 6 RBI 2 R 1 2B 2 1B
Kangeroo - 2-6 .333 avg 2 1B 1 BB 1 R
Legend - 5-7 .714 avg 1 NHR (or 1 3B) 1 RBI 1 2B 3 1B 1 R
Big Red 1-3 .333 avg 1 1B
T-Bear 5-6 .833 avg 1 HR 1 RBI 4 R 1 3B 2 1B 1 2B 1 BB
Bassmaster 0-6 1 BB 1 RBI

Unicorn Leaders -
Home Runs
Smores 2
Turk, T-Bear, Juice 1

RBI -
Juice - 6
Smores and Turk - 4

3B -
T-Bear - 1

Runs scored -
T-Bear - 4
Smores - 3
Jackie, Juice, Pitch, Turk - 2

Notta HR -
Legend - 1
11 Unicorns tied with 0

Batting avg-
T-Bear - .833
Smores - .800
Legend - .714
Pitch - .600
Turk & Juice - .572
Jackie, Big Red, & Paige - .333
Big Tuna - .200

Unicorns lose 6-5 and T-Bear hits the Old Grandad with ugly results

I was thinking about not writing anything this week because a softball team that can only muster up five runs is not worth my creative output. Actually, the real reason is I am incredibly hung over. However, as the iron fist that is a hangover slowly releases it's grip on my body and I begin to feel like myself again and funny thoughts and voices fill my head about last night's game I have no choice but to either let them continue to rattle around my mind or to release them here. Plus, I know Bauer would be sad, and I don't like to make our shining star sad.

It is clear that every male unicorn wishes to be just like Todd. Who would not want to be like our southpaw slugger? A beautiful wife, three cute sweet girls, a six figure salary, boyish good lucks and charm, penthouse condo on the 100th floor, huge office at work with leather seats. It is obvious that Todd's life is a dream. To top it off he is the star of the championship Oz park volley ball team. All male unicorns looked on in envy at Todd's facebook pics as he was beaming after his triumph leading his volleyball team to victory.

The reason I bring this up is that this fact speaks volumes for some of the play last night and some of the after game festivities. For instance a fly ball was hit to Turk that normally the big guy corals with ease. On this day though instead of catching it, Turk decided to be like Todd and he did a perfect set of the ball trying to imitate the Oz park champion. Turk then shook his head in disbelief not because he missed the catch, but because Todd missed the spike on his perfect set. Later in the game a somewhat easy pop fly was hit to yours truly and instead of catching it I did the same thing and once again Brady missed the spike. Turk and I were in bewilderment wondering how Todd's team could have won with two missed spikes like that. After that inning Todd took both me and Turk aside. He gave us a grilling. He told us that we are playing softball here and you two losers will never be like me. Well, naturally, we were both crushed.

In fact, I was so sad I was just glad my Dad was there. I went over and had a cry on his shoulder. Then my dad said, "I have just the thing for you son." Then with a devilish grin he pulled out a blue fuel bottle with Old Grandad whiskey in it. This was just the pacifier I needed to stop crying and I suckled on this the rest of the night to cure the crushing realism that I was not Todd. Then, with an equally devilish grin, my dad's sidekick, Pawel, pointed to the magical blue cooler where a tall boy of Polish beer was waiting for me. Many psychologists say you cannot drink your troubles away, but I call horse crap as I and the Unicorns are living proof that you can.

I did make amends for my horrible miss plays at short by running up on a little pop and jumping for it. Somehow my 38 year old body spun around like I was 21 again and was able to right myself and fire to first for the double play. It was my parachute roll, and I dedicate that to my dear departed Uncle Richard who was an Air Force Veteran. One time camping with my Uncle he fell down a small rock face and flipped completely over and on his back. Obviously concerned, we rushed to him to see if he was alright. He smiled and said he was fine and that it was his parachute roll.

What can I say about Mary that I have not already said. She rocks. She gave up two earned runs last night. That is freaking awesome. The rest scored on errors. Despite the errors, our defense as stout. Turk finally realized we were playing softball and made some nice catches and JIT was fantastic at first. Our offense lost the game. I have not played in many softball games where five runs won it. I think people are putting too much pressure on themselves to succeed to match or better what we did last year. Who gives a crap if we make the playoffs. What is important is we have a great time and enjoy each other's company. I for one look forward to each Tuesday laying with each and every one of you and could really care less if we win. Winning is more fun, but I have no problem losing with this bunch (tears are streaming down my cheek).

After the beer was gone we made the epic trip to Cactus, and I really think someone else should take over as my memory is rather fuzzy at this point as my Old Grandad was having his way with me. I remember food, beer, shots, Pawel playing pool, Old Grandad, and Crash saying my Dad was adorable. All I know is that my Old Grandad was anything but adorable. We then hit another bar. What bar that is I have no idea. All I remember from this unknown unnamed bar is that Paige and Javi with Javi's brother or some relative (all I am certain here was that it was not his Old Grandad) magically appeared into my consciousness and then isappeared as they put my drunken self in a cab and home.

I woke up this morning with many questions. One thing I am sure of is that despite all my hopes and dreams I am not Todd, and I am okay with that. I am just your lovable, fun loving, witty, sometimes too much Old Grandad drinking, Chicago Adventure traveler (hey have you guys clicked on my website today?), error prone shortstop, slightly twisted, happy T-Bear.

The Case of Ms. Taschini's murdered goldfish

The other day I was subbing for a Biology class for two consecutive days at Uplift High School in Chicago. For the first two periods I had as special education instructor helping me. He made a comment that the goldfish in the room was a pretty hardy speciman as he had survived most of the school year. I had subbed for this teacher before, and I had to protect him as a few students wanted to go over and mess with the fish.

On the second day, the special education teacher left the room and I was busy helping a few students with the assignment for the day. A few students wandered over to the fish tank and started screwing with the goldfish. I tried to get them away from the fish, but I was distracted by the students that were looking for help. A few minutes later the students had left and the fish was floating at the top of the aquarium.

I sarcastically congratulated the students on the murder of the goldfish. One of the students started doing a little dance and yelled "yes, no more goldfish." Wow, I thought, here is someone with no regard for life. I know that a goldfish is very low on the ecological scale, but I think it is pretty much proven that young people that torment animals are the ones you really have to be wary of. I have no doubt that these students have as little regard for human life as they do for the lives of goldfishes. I just hope to not meet these turkeys in a dark alley or on a deserted train platform in a few years when they are adults and are even more hardened and uncaring. If I do, I will run.

One thing I will never forget is there was this one girl in the class that is an absolute sweetheart. Every time I sub for her she comes into the class and smiles and says "hello, Mr. Nelson." Most of the students regard me with almost complete indifference. When the goldfish murderer was doing his little victory dance she gave me a look of such disgust that I will never forget. I am not sure what this look implied, but I think it was one of contempt and embarrassment toward her fellow classmates.

It reminds me that there are certain students that we just cannot help. They are already too damaged from their personal life for us to make a difference. Our job as educators is to protect the sweethearts and make sure they can circumnavigate the system, so that they lose the look of disgust and can continue to smile and say hello to Mr. Nelson.

Unicorns win 10-2, but lose to 3rd base

The Unicorns got off to a fast start thanks to Habby with his team leading 2nd home run to lead off the game. The advantage was short lived as the Alzheimer's pros tied it in the bottom of the frame thanks to a bad hop grounder that just about guillotined the head of the Unicorn lovable short stop. T-Bear got his head back straight and the men and women in pink stopped the bleeding.

In the second inning the Unicorns welcomed back their home run hitting lefty from the hinterland of Oz Park volleyball. As soon as he got up the Az pros backed way up in the outfield in deference to his home run hitting abilities. Mr. Brady had a plan for this though. He intentionally took a nasty cut on the very bottom of the ball sending it spinning straight to the pitcher. Of course, no human being could harness a ball like that with so much spin and as soon as it hit the pitcher's hand it spun right off her hands into foul territory giving Mr. Brady a swinging bunt double. It is good to have him back.

The game stayed close despite Turk's 2nd home run of the season tying him for team lead. By the way, Mr. Brady leads the team in swinging bunt doubles at 1. Stellar defense was shown all around the diamond except for the Matador defense by Turk on a fly ball. He went running back on the ball and instead of catching it swung a red cape and yelled olay as the ball landed for a double. I had to have a word with Turk and show him the ball was a softball and not a bull and this was not bullfighting and after that he caught the next couple fly outs that came his way.

I was impressed with the smashes that the ladies hit. The biggest one was Ichiro's clutch hit with someone at third with two outs. The South Koreans lost to Japan in the World Baseball Classic because they pitched to Ichiro with two men in scoring position and a base open. When will the rest of the world know that you do not pitch to Ichiro with two a base open and Unicorns in scoring position.

Mr. Clean came in and cleaned up at shortstop. We did not miss a beat defensively, and T-Bear watched from the sidelines and thought he saw his alter ego out there at short albeit less hair. Bauer was an all star at first base as well. Amazingly, we actually threw accurately to her.

The Unicorns then took control of the game thanks to a big bases loaded chop hit by Habby. Habby is quite gifted with the bat. If I did that maneuver I would pop up to the pitcher. On second thought, may be I should try that as I might get a double and tie Mr. Brady for team lead in that category.

The Unicorns would have really creamed the Az pros if not for a break down at third base. First it was Big Red, then Bauer, then Big Red again. I think we are going to meet an hour early next week and practice running into third and stopping there. I think may be the base is trying to get back at us for last year when Squirrel unceremoniously flicked it off. When running into third base only listen to your third base coach. Not the ump, not the other players, not a bird that swoops down and yells "out." If you are confused about what is going on then run to third base and stay there and then ask the coach. Famous last words from Big Red after over running the bag was "I always have had trouble with third base." Insert your own joke here on that one.

I will take some of the blame on the pick off as I should have saw that coming. I was trying to get Katie into foul territory in case she was hit by a grounder or liner by Legend. Although she did not even move from fair territory, so if I would have yelled "get back to the bag they are picking you off," I doubt it would have made a difference. No big deal though as a lesson was learned, we won, and a nickname was born.

It is really not necessary to lead off altogether when the pitcher has the ball. As soon as the ball is released by the pitcher then take a running lead, but not too far where you are vulnerable of getting doubled up on a liner. I stay on the bag until the pitch is thrown and I usually can make it to second on a grounder even if the ball is hit to short.

Pitch wins career win 546. She struck out at least two and I can remember at least one foul out. Pitch also excelled with her patented move of vacuuming any grounder near her and tossing it to Bauer and this time no throws to basketball centers. I think at least three players got out on this play.

The after game turnout was good, but it could have been better. It was fun to celebrate the victory shot gun style, which seems to be the new Unicorn trademark, win or lose. I need to improve my shot gun style as a third of my beer ended all over me. It is all about improvement.

Unicorns win 18-10

There were some snickers and jokes about the quantity of long emails sent by yours truly last night. Well, you have not seen anything yet until you have read the weekly recap. Enjoy!!!!!!!

Mary (aka cy young mary, or pitch) recorded career softball win 545 last night adding on to her already stellar hall of fame softball career. The only bump in the road in this game for Pitch was due to too many emails on my part. She got confused about the new players on the team. She knew there was a new first baseman, and she also knew that I had recruited an Asian girl from the hinterland of northern South Korea that had a nickname borrowed from a famous Asian athlete. She thought that the new Asian girl's nickname was Yao Ming and not Ichiro and thought she was playing first base. My bad on that one. Sometimes I pound you guys with so much information that it is easy to misremember. Thinking that our first baseman was a 7 foot Asian, Mary kept making awesome plays, twirling and throwing the ball 7 feet in the air over poor JIT's head. I finally realized what was going on and yelled at Pitch saying, "for chrissakes Pitch, it is Ichiro not Yao and anyways it is JIT at 1B." Her face cleared like she had just figured out the cure for cancer. Next inning she went out and stabbed two line shots destined for center field and delivered them perfectly to JIT's glove the way we veterans have seen a thousand times.

If we needed proof of how valuable Mary is to the team, the Cobra's showed this in the first inning as their pitcher was the worst excuse for a softball pitcher I have ever seen. Unicorns are not known for their patience at the plate, but these balls were unhittable. There was no pattern to them either. She would deliver one three feet from the plate, then the next would almost hit the umpire, then the next would be on a line drive with absolutely no arc. In fact, the word arc was not in her vocabulary. She was the Rick Ankiel of Grant Park softball. May be after some time in the minors she will emerge as a slugging center fielder. After spotting the Unicorns five runs, they put a guy in who could actually find the strike zone. Five runs and no outs for their starting pitcher = an ERA of infinity.

Speaking of the Cobra's, if Marie did not hate me, I would petition the league for a new name for them. The Garter snakes would be a good one since they are the most impotent of all the snakes in the snake world. The douche bags would also do. They had one jerk on 3rd base that thought he joined a softball/hockey league and kept checking unicorns in the corner rounding 3rd. They also had one really intense dude that almost got thrown out of the game for being such an ass to the ump. In fact, their coach and one of their players apologized for their behavior after the game.

Not only were the Garter snakes impotent at the plate, but their outfield positioning was the worst I have ever seen. Someone said they had some big gaps out there after the game, and I questioned the word gap because gap implies space between two objects. I looked out into right field and saw the Pacific ocean. Too bad Mr. Brady was not at the game to exploit that defense as he would have gone 4-4 with at least three homers.

My favorite play of the game came with me on second and Pitch at the plate. Seeing a weak hitting girl up the defense sauntered all the way into the infield. I thought they might actually hold hands with the infield for a second. The ump told the outfielders that they must all be on the grass. I told the ump that was okay. I said we liked them where they were. Mary cranked one way over their heads clearing the bases with a big multiple RBI double. Later in the inning, Ichiro induced a key walk with two outs that really opened the flood gates. Habby followed by hitting the ball into the ocean in right and ran around the bases twice before one of the fielders got to the ball. This inning broke open a close 9-6 game to an 18-6 affair.

Speaking of home runs, Habby, T-Bear, and Turk all are tied for the team lead in that category with 1 a piece. Too bad Karch Kiraly (aka Mr. Brady) was accumulating to his spike and set total instead of getting an early lead in the home run category for our team. T-Bear was about to take the HR lead in the bottom of the 6th when fate got in his way. Habby, fearing that I was going to over take him in that category, purposely lined the ball as hard as he could into the mitt of the second basewoman. Then on his way back to the sidelines I saw him whisper something to agent Bauer and give her something. I was not sure what was said or given until later. Watching a replay of the game on Youtube I kept rewinding and focusing in on this part of the game until I could clearly see Habby mouth the words "foul out" to Crystal and I also could see him slip her a twenty. This explains why Bauer fouled out as I knew she could not do this on her own accord. These two outs ended the inning and denied your lovable coach a 2nd dinger.

Thank you Nate for filling in at 3rd base. He contributed with a hit and a couple of force outs at third. He also contributed by giving the coach a couple of after game smokes. It is very difficult to come in cold and play 16' softball. Speaking of cold, I really admired the after game stamina displayed by our sub. For some reason, Nate only showed up in a tank top and G-string. I think when I told him our team was the Magical Flying Unicorns and we wear pink that he was subbing for some gay near nudist softball team, so he dressed accordingly. Most players would have gotten the hell out of there with that wardrobe (or lack thereof) ASAP. Not Nate though, as he hung on to the bitter end. It must be his Rocky Mountain upbringing drinking Coors while swimming in mountain lakes that gives him the endurance to the cold.

I was really proud of the after game attendance as once again even without Legend and Mr. Brady we had a decent size contingent to be the last team in Grant Park drinking. The sour apples tried, but being sour apples they only stay ripe for drinking for so long and could not outlast the Unicorns. I was also proud of the play of our new recruits. JIT played great at first base. In fact, she played so well that one of the other players hugged her and squeezed her after being rung up on a grounder that JIT corralled. So full of admiration was this opponent that he could not control himself and he wanted a handful of JIT (JIT stands for Junk In the Trunk for those not aware) and a handful of JIT is what he got. Crash had a nicely placed liner down the line that looked foul, but hit up some chalk. What is encouraging is JIT and T-Bear's Angels (Katie, Paige, and Jackie) will only get better.

Next week we go 2-0. Go Unicorns!!!!!!

Coach T-Bear