Magical Flying Unicorns rally then lose

The Magical Flying Unicorns after playing the worst inning of their pink career came back and made a game of it only to ultimately get mauled by the Madison St. Maulers. It was an ugly game or inning and coach T-Bear (as always click on the pretty colored lettering over my name for an interesting piece of writing) can only hope this game wakes up our dormant bats, gloves, and in one case legs. If the bad fielding was not enough we only managed two runs in the first 5 inning. That is a recipe for a loss, and the unfortunately the meal turned out to be a 11-9 defeat to a team we had no business losing to.

"It is more fun when we win," echoed El Turk when talking about post game beers. "This one will stick with me for awhile," bemoaned the Legend after the game. The same can be said about the post game write up. However, it is also cathartic and a good way to lay the game to rest. So with this post RIP dropped balls, pop ups, and almost HRs. Farewell lame loss to a lame team. Here is to a wasted great pitching effort by Pitch going 6 feet under.

At least the game featured a spirited comeback sparked by two prodigious home runs from Turk and Smores. Game ball (other than the one that always goes to pitch) goes to Smores who continued to smack the crap out of the ball and through week two is definitely the Unicorn MVP. Key hits by lady unicorns Pitch and Big Red almost turned the tide of the game, but it was just not meant to be.

The best moment of the game occurred on a triple by Legend. Even though he was pegged at home the official rule book states that he would be credited with a triple and a base hit even though out at the plate. I think this play has created a new unicorn stat. The new stat is now called the notta HR.

Every announcer has their little signature home run call. From "hey hey" to "holy cow" to "touch em all" there are hundreds of different lines announcers use to excitedly announce a home run. However, a notta HR is virgin territory since T-Bear just made up the stat just now in this blog.

Here are some new terms to come into the baseball lexicon thanks to Legend's almost miracle run around the bags with the HR equivalent.

HR
Touch em all

Notta HR

Touch 3 and out

HR

Round tripper

Notta HR
Round 3.99 or if fractions are preferred 3 99/100

HR
Holy cow it is a Home Run (Harry Caray)
Notta HR
Holy goat it is notta HR

HR

Hey hey its a home run (Jack Brickhouse)

Notta HR
Hey, oh my its notta home run

HR
STRETCH (Hawk)

Notta HR
SLIDE

HR
You can put it on the board YEEEEES (Hawk)

Notta HR
You can put the tag on before home, OH NNOOOOO

HR

back, back, back, back, back. . . . Gone (Chris Berman)

Notta HR
Run, run, run, run, slide, slide, slide. . . . . out

HR

It could be it might be it is home run

Notta HR (Many)
It could be it might be it is notta HR

HR

Kiss it goodbye

Notta HR
I am not kissing it (lady unicorns in unison after Legend's notta HR)

I will take some blame for the play as traditionally it is the on deck hitter at a play at the plate who must indicate for the runner to slide. That would fall to Big Red, but she has difficulty with staying on third base as it is (that is not what the guys say :) ) so as coach I should have been there. Next time.

We made quick work of the beer thanks to help from #1 fans Emily and Javi and a round of shotguns despite no help from Pitch. We stunk so bad that she departed right after the traditional after game handshake without even a goodbye.

Sorry for my quick departure. I still had not recovered from my christening of the unicorn flask from the week before. Many may have thought I left for the same reason Pitch did, but that is not the case. Was not feeling even 75% and I am going out of town this weekend. Did not want to jeopardize my weekend.

Lady Unicorns please watch fellow ladies Jackie and Pitch. All females besides these two are not properly keeping their back foot anchored and are bailing out on their front leg. This leaves no balance and no power. The problem is coupled with swinging at too many high pitches. Pitch and Jackie are displaying excellent form and are ripping the ball.

Here are the stats for this week: Please let me know if there is anything incorrect. Remember we have a game June 1st immediately after the holiday weekend. We need to put this game behind us take the momentum from the come back and let's not give the game away in one inning. As always let me know ASAP if you cannot make it.

Big Tuna 1-4 1 R

Jackie O 1-4 1 R

El Turk 1-3 1HR 1 R 3RBI

Pitch 2-2 1R 1 1B 1 2B 1 BB

Smores 3-3 1 HR 1 2B 1 1B 2 R 2 RBI

Bauer 0-3

Juice 2-3 1 2B 1 1B 2 RBI

Kangeroo 0-3

Legend 2-3 1 R 1 2B 1 3B *

Big Red – 1-3 1 1B

T-Bear 2-2 1 3B 1 1B 1 BB 1 R

Bassmaster – 0-2 1 BB 1 RI

Season Cumulative

Big Tuna - 1-5 .200 avg 1 R 1 1B
Jackie O - 2-7 .285 2 R 2 1B
El Turk 4-7 .572 avg 1 HR 4 RBI 2 R 3 1B
Pitch 3-5 .600 avg. 1 2B 2 1B 2 BB 2 R
Smores - 4-5 .800 avg 2 HR 4 RBI 3 R 1 2B 1 1B
Bauer - 0-3 .000 avg
Juice 4-7 .572 avg 1 HR 6 RBI 2 R 1 2B 2 1B
Kangeroo - 2-6 .333 avg 2 1B 1 BB 1 R
Legend - 5-7 .714 avg 1 NHR (or 1 3B) 1 RBI 1 2B 3 1B 1 R
Big Red 1-3 .333 avg 1 1B
T-Bear 5-6 .833 avg 1 HR 1 RBI 4 R 1 3B 2 1B 1 2B 1 BB
Bassmaster 0-6 1 BB 1 RBI

Unicorn Leaders -
Home Runs
Smores 2
Turk, T-Bear, Juice 1

RBI -
Juice - 6
Smores and Turk - 4

3B -
T-Bear - 1

Runs scored -
T-Bear - 4
Smores - 3
Jackie, Juice, Pitch, Turk - 2

Notta HR -
Legend - 1
11 Unicorns tied with 0

Batting avg-
T-Bear - .833
Smores - .800
Legend - .714
Pitch - .600
Turk & Juice - .572
Jackie, Big Red, & Paige - .333
Big Tuna - .200

Not live enough to beat the Magical Flying Unicorns.

It was opening day this past Tuesday at Grant Park for 16 inch softball and the Magical Flying Unicorns were dressed to the pink for our game against Too Live Crew. We immediately were dealt a cruel blow when the umpire that cost us the championship two years ago started setting the bags for field #11. Even the Legend hung his head.

The umpire bored Pitch and T-Bear (by the way click on the pretty blue links over T-Bear's name and see something cool and different each time) with every rule in the book including his obscure favorite “if there is an overthrow the runner gets however many free bases that I feel like” at the pre-game conference. The shock of having this horrible ump clearly threw the Unicorns who gave up three unearned runs in the first inning.

Events turned even bleaker as the Unicorns came within 2 runs and had the bases loaded with nobody out. We were unable to capitalize as new Unicorn Juice popped up in his debut at bat. He would prove to be a fresher drink the next time the same opportunity arose.

Pitch and the defense stiffened as Too Live Crew went the next two innings with no runs, no hits, and three strikeouts. Pitch really had the splitter working and made Too Live Crew too confused to even put the ball in play. It was too bad from a Too Live Crew perspective.

Smores saw the way that the pitcher spoiled the Juice on his debut and he was not going to follow suit in his premier at bat. Smores smacked the ball so hard that when the ball was returned it actually resembled a smore. It was not a pretty smore though. It looked like one of the ones where the marshmellow roaster burns his marshmellow and no one wants it so they throw it in the fire. That is what the ball looked like, or maybe T-Bear already had too many tugs of Ole Grandad from his new unicorn flask (more on that later).

T-Bear followed with another home run, although the ball did not turn into a gross smore, and this run turned out to be the game winning RBI. The game winning RBI was a stat that major league baseball used to keep track of back in the 80s for about a year or two until they discarded it for some reason. It is RBI that the winning team makes where it gains the lead and never relinquishes it. We took the lead 4-3 and we would never look back. Well, actually, we did look back a couple of times, but we still won.

The game winning RBI will only be mentioned in this blog when T-Bear hits the game winning RBI. If someone else hits the game winning RBI then they can start their own blog and write about it if they want.

After the Too Live Crew actually scored an earned run, we had a ball game as it was 5-4 after Legend had plated a run. What followed was the inning that deadened Too Live Crew. It was the inning they were not live enough as Juice stains on their crew put them out of their misery.

Many times in baseball there are key at bats that only the seasoned aficionados appreciate and often times do not make the ESPN highlights or even many a drunk blogging coaches write up. However, these moments are not missed by this drunk blogging coach. Many at work today are talking about Juice’s grand slam as well they should. It put the game away. However, the key at bat in the inning was not the home run, but the nifty walk by Kangeroo. In at bat that would have made her countrymen Ichiro Suzuki proud (hey wait Ichiro is Japanese and Paige is Korean (hey wait aren’t all Asians the same anyways (hey wait why are there so many parentheses here (hey wait, why does he keep repeating “hey wait" (hey wait is there not a rule in Strunk and White’s Element of Style forbidding multiple parentheses in a sentence? (yes, I have a parentheses fetish)))))).

Where was I, oh yea, Kangeroo and her at bat. With T-bear at first, Kangeroo actually hopped and swung at the same time at the first pitch. It looked like she was going to be an easy out with a pitcher's count of 1-2. She obviously was trying to fit into her nickname by hopping and swinging at the same time. Then, in an incredible display of nerves reminiscent of her countrymen Ichiro (see the oceans of parentheses above) she drew a walk. Turk followed with a single and Pitch drew another walk plating T-Bear

This sequence set up the clincher that put Too Live Crew in their coffin. Juice took the first pitch and hit the ball into Lake Michigan. In one game two softball were lost by our new Unicorns. Congrats on the home runs by the new Unicorns.

Pitch put the sleeper move on Too Live Crew and they stopped breathing as they could only muster enough life to score one more earned run as we ended up winning 10-5. Pitch gets career softball win 549 with a career high 6 Ks. She is a combination of Jake Peavy with Jamie Moyer. She just keeps going like Moyer and strikes everyone out like Peavy. Her ERA for the season is a minuscule 2.57.

Another highlight of the game was the hard hitting Jackie Ounicorn. I think the new nickname is working magic on her psyche as since she is now the first lady of unicorns she needs to start hitting like one. I think her problem last year was she was watching Legend too much and thought that since he has a penchant for fouling out and he is a self proclaimed "legend" then she needs to emulate him. Fortunately, through a new nickname she was able to overcome this problem. T-Bear is a master of the psychology of the game.

It was great to see elder Unicorn statesmen Mr. Clean. We definitely missed Mr. Brady, but even though he is gone he is not forgotten. In fact, a plan for visiting our beloved former star in Trinidad and Tobogo has been hatched. It was hatched over Ole Grandad and pitchers at Cactus, where all good ideas begin.

Kudos go out to Smores who was drinking a water bottle and was trying to get out of there sober. Newbies sometimes do dumb things, but with a tiny bit of twisting of the arm by Legend he shelved the bottle of evian for a more unicorn appropriate beverage and was there till the last beer was finished at Grant Park. Kudos also goes out to Jackie O for being the last female standing. There is a correlation between drinking and the next week’s performance, so I think Jackie and Smores will be batting up in the order next weekend after a stellar performance from their bats and their liver.

Thanks to Squirrel and the Bassmaster for subbing this week. The Bassmaster was true to her name as she caught everything but an actual bass over at first base. Had Lake Michigan been a little closer she probably would have even caught one of those too just for the halibut.

Opening day is also a great time to debut new Unicorn trinkets. T-Bear toasted the win with a new Unicorn flask and a swig (or three or four) of his whiskey of preference Old Grandad. Legend also brought out a new Unicorn bed spread. Unfortunately, I think it had a few gross stains and some DNA from his roommates, but the unicorn looked cool.

Here is the line from the game: (for those wondering who these beautiful pink men and women are click here)

T-Bear 3-4 .750 avg 1 2B 1 1B 1HR 1RBI 3 R

Kangeroo 2-3 .666 avg 21B 1BB 1 R

El Turk 3-4 .750 avg 3 1B 1 R 1RBI

Pitch 1-3 .333avg 1 1B 1BB 1RBI 1R

Pitching line 7 IP 2 ER 6 K W ERA 3.05

Juice 2-4 .5001B 1HR 4RBI 2 R

Bassmaster 0-4

Legend 3-4 .750 1 RBI

Jackie O Unicorn 1-3 .333 avg 1 R

Smores 1-2 .500 1 HR 2RBI 1 R

Big Tuna 0-1

Squirrel 0-2

Unicorn leaders:

Home runs

T-Bear – 1

Smores – 1

Juice - 1

8 unicorns tied with 0

RBI leaders –

Juice – 4

Smores – 2

T-Bear – 1

El Turk – 1

Pitch – 1

Legend – 1

6 men and women in pink tied with 0

Average leaders –

T-Bear .750

El Turk .750

Legend .750

Kangeroo .666 (aahhhhh)

Juice - .500

Smores - .500

Jackie Ounicorn - .333

Pitch - .333

Runs scored –

T-Bear – 3

Juice – 2

Pitch, Kangeroo, Turk, Smores, Jackie – 1

Steals –

11 pinks tied with 0

Game winning RBI

T-Bear 1

It is always a sad sight to see the blue cooler disappearing into the Chicago night. Rejoice as it will return next week. Till then.

Coach T-Bear

We are the Unicorns

Greetings Unicorns. I hope you had a great off season. Our GM Legend has added three new players to the Unicorn fold. I thought it would be a good occasion to post who the Unicorns are for our neophyte pinkies. Also, I have gotten a lot of "what the hell are the Unicorns from facebook friends and this post would be a good way to educate them as well.

The Unicorns: Webster's defines a unicorn as a mythical animal generally depicted with the body and head of a horse, the hind legs of a stag, the tail of a lion, and a single horn in the middle of the forehead.

I define them as a hard drinking, fun loving, agile, and hard hitting group of six men and six women that gather every Tuesday evening at Grant Park to win and drink (not necessarily in that order).

Here is our line up:

Ladies first:

Mary AKA Pitch: Sometimes referred to as Cy Young as she holds the record for most softball pitching wins in coed softball history. Currently her record is 522-315. Her marquee move and claim to fame is stopping vicious line drives with her face. No one can question Pitch's commitment as she gives 110% to team. Here is a picture of Pitch after another win uncharacteristically not in pink.

Crystal AKA Agent Bauer: Agent Bauer is our star hitter and first basewoman and oddly the only player that openly has contempt for the pink shirts. We call her Agent Bauer because she can hit a home run, stop a line drive by Babe Ruth winning the game, drink copious amounts of beer, bitch that there is no more miller lights, drink whiskey, and then save a damsel in distress on the CTA coming home from some creepy dude. The amazing thing is Bauer does not even need 24 hours to complete all of these tasks. This is a 4 hour job for our beloved Bauer.


Victoria AKA JIT: JIT is probably the most dedicated drinker on the team. One time she showed up in the 6th inning. She was like "screw the game, I am here for the beers." We were once winding down at the Cactus club when she order a round of shots for everyone in pink. You have to love the enthusiasm she brings to the diamond I mean the bar.




The next three girls are collectively known as T-Bear's Angels



Paige AKA Paigeroo - T-Bear realized he needed to go international to compete in the Grant Park softball world. He therefore went off on a quest through SE Asia to find another Ichiroo Suziki type player. He found her in his own restaurant after all his travels when he was refilling a hibiscus ice tea near the bar. It was either her or Monette, so glad it worked out this way.




Jackie AKA Jackie O'unicorn - The first lady of the Unicorns is Jackie O'unicorn because she is pretty enough to be married to a president or a millionaire just like her namesake Jackie Onassis. She is also the first lady of Unicorn beer shotgunning.


For those that follow the Unicorns closely they would observe two new nicknames for the first two of T-Bear's angels. Paigeroo and Jackie O'unicorn are two new unicorn names. Congratulations girls on your new names. I look forward to yelling "Paigeroo get to second," and "Jackie O'unicorn throw the ball to first."

The last of T-Bear's angels is Katie AKA Big Red. A new nickname will soon emerge for this pesky out and our expert catcher. Pitch owes a lot to the way that Big Red calls a softball game. Just like any catcher she is a master of the pitch sign. Her favorite is when she flashes a two under her mitt and then the middle finger and then tilts her whole hand under her glove (all this and the other team cannot see it because it is a secret sign). This clandestine ritual is baseball sign language for "Pitch you better get this batter out in two minutes or I am going to be fucking pissed because I want to drink my beer." Katie is in the middle in the pic below.




Now for our gentleman unicorns:

Russ AKA the Legend AKA the GM of the Unicorns. After losing several key men last year Russ put on his pink unicorn sweater and pink pants and canvassed the sandlots, softball fields, bars, and strip clubs (why he went there when we already had a full contingent of females is anyone's guess). It is lucky he did not get gang raped and sodomized for his efforts, but he somehow survived unscathed and found three new softball men to put on the pink. I look forward to seeing that pink pants, white unicorn sweater, and the magical blue cooler being pushed towards the field. There is nothing more magical than that.





Steve AKA El Turk - Our home run hitting center fielder and fellow Sox fan anchors the Unicorns line up. El Turk slumped a bit last year and only had 5 home runs instead of the usual 10. I have to give him credit though as nowhere during the year did his drinking curtail. I always say that you must control what you can. If in a slump the best way out of it is to keep drinking. I know and expect a return of form from the mad and huge Mexican.





Ted AKA T-Bear - Called T-Bear because he is so damn lovable. Twice in one game Big Red walked off third base to give T-Bear a hug and was thrown out. This is the effect he has on women. Instead of yelling "round the base," or "stay" on the bag T-Bear has to yell "I will give you a hug later just don't get out." Everybody please click on the blue link on my name at the beginning of this paragraph. Photo evidence of my irresistibility is below.


Last year we fell a little bit short of our goal. This was due to a lack of cohesive drinking on the team's part. Especially disappointing on this front was our former star outfielder Mr. Brady. Usually he was hitting home runs and then drinking till 3am on a regular basis. Last year he started off with a bloop double to the pitcher and his drinking suffered as well. A couple of times he said "I am out of here," and peddled home on his bike when it was still light out.

This type of behavior could not be tolerated for long. I have some contacts in the State Department and had him and his family exiled to Trinidad and Tobago. Therefore, learn from his lessons and no bloops to the pitcher and no leaving until every beer is gone. The Unicorn creed is "the team that drinks together wins together." (picture below shows Brady to the right back when we were in the playoff hunt and the beers were flowing. Notice the theme of beer and winning, the two are synonymous in the Unicorn world)





Now that our newbies know what and who we are, I hope to see all of you on Tuesday April 20th at Grant Park for a practice at 5:30pm. This will be the year we will tear apart our opponents without mercy.



As Samuel L. Jackson said in Pulp Fiction "The path of the righteous Unicorn is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of the fat umpire with the mustache. Blessed are the Unicorns, who in the name bud lite, miller lite, and sometimes pbr, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for the Unicorn is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of patrone shots at Cactus club. And the Unicorn will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to make our drinking less fun due to beating us in softball. And you will know our name is the Unicorn when we lay our vengeance upon thee in the form of Pitch's arc and Unicorn home runs.


Go Unicorns!!!

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