Not live enough to beat the Magical Flying Unicorns.

It was opening day this past Tuesday at Grant Park for 16 inch softball and the Magical Flying Unicorns were dressed to the pink for our game against Too Live Crew. We immediately were dealt a cruel blow when the umpire that cost us the championship two years ago started setting the bags for field #11. Even the Legend hung his head.

The umpire bored Pitch and T-Bear (by the way click on the pretty blue links over T-Bear's name and see something cool and different each time) with every rule in the book including his obscure favorite “if there is an overthrow the runner gets however many free bases that I feel like” at the pre-game conference. The shock of having this horrible ump clearly threw the Unicorns who gave up three unearned runs in the first inning.

Events turned even bleaker as the Unicorns came within 2 runs and had the bases loaded with nobody out. We were unable to capitalize as new Unicorn Juice popped up in his debut at bat. He would prove to be a fresher drink the next time the same opportunity arose.

Pitch and the defense stiffened as Too Live Crew went the next two innings with no runs, no hits, and three strikeouts. Pitch really had the splitter working and made Too Live Crew too confused to even put the ball in play. It was too bad from a Too Live Crew perspective.

Smores saw the way that the pitcher spoiled the Juice on his debut and he was not going to follow suit in his premier at bat. Smores smacked the ball so hard that when the ball was returned it actually resembled a smore. It was not a pretty smore though. It looked like one of the ones where the marshmellow roaster burns his marshmellow and no one wants it so they throw it in the fire. That is what the ball looked like, or maybe T-Bear already had too many tugs of Ole Grandad from his new unicorn flask (more on that later).

T-Bear followed with another home run, although the ball did not turn into a gross smore, and this run turned out to be the game winning RBI. The game winning RBI was a stat that major league baseball used to keep track of back in the 80s for about a year or two until they discarded it for some reason. It is RBI that the winning team makes where it gains the lead and never relinquishes it. We took the lead 4-3 and we would never look back. Well, actually, we did look back a couple of times, but we still won.

The game winning RBI will only be mentioned in this blog when T-Bear hits the game winning RBI. If someone else hits the game winning RBI then they can start their own blog and write about it if they want.

After the Too Live Crew actually scored an earned run, we had a ball game as it was 5-4 after Legend had plated a run. What followed was the inning that deadened Too Live Crew. It was the inning they were not live enough as Juice stains on their crew put them out of their misery.

Many times in baseball there are key at bats that only the seasoned aficionados appreciate and often times do not make the ESPN highlights or even many a drunk blogging coaches write up. However, these moments are not missed by this drunk blogging coach. Many at work today are talking about Juice’s grand slam as well they should. It put the game away. However, the key at bat in the inning was not the home run, but the nifty walk by Kangeroo. In at bat that would have made her countrymen Ichiro Suzuki proud (hey wait Ichiro is Japanese and Paige is Korean (hey wait aren’t all Asians the same anyways (hey wait why are there so many parentheses here (hey wait, why does he keep repeating “hey wait" (hey wait is there not a rule in Strunk and White’s Element of Style forbidding multiple parentheses in a sentence? (yes, I have a parentheses fetish)))))).

Where was I, oh yea, Kangeroo and her at bat. With T-bear at first, Kangeroo actually hopped and swung at the same time at the first pitch. It looked like she was going to be an easy out with a pitcher's count of 1-2. She obviously was trying to fit into her nickname by hopping and swinging at the same time. Then, in an incredible display of nerves reminiscent of her countrymen Ichiro (see the oceans of parentheses above) she drew a walk. Turk followed with a single and Pitch drew another walk plating T-Bear

This sequence set up the clincher that put Too Live Crew in their coffin. Juice took the first pitch and hit the ball into Lake Michigan. In one game two softball were lost by our new Unicorns. Congrats on the home runs by the new Unicorns.

Pitch put the sleeper move on Too Live Crew and they stopped breathing as they could only muster enough life to score one more earned run as we ended up winning 10-5. Pitch gets career softball win 549 with a career high 6 Ks. She is a combination of Jake Peavy with Jamie Moyer. She just keeps going like Moyer and strikes everyone out like Peavy. Her ERA for the season is a minuscule 2.57.

Another highlight of the game was the hard hitting Jackie Ounicorn. I think the new nickname is working magic on her psyche as since she is now the first lady of unicorns she needs to start hitting like one. I think her problem last year was she was watching Legend too much and thought that since he has a penchant for fouling out and he is a self proclaimed "legend" then she needs to emulate him. Fortunately, through a new nickname she was able to overcome this problem. T-Bear is a master of the psychology of the game.

It was great to see elder Unicorn statesmen Mr. Clean. We definitely missed Mr. Brady, but even though he is gone he is not forgotten. In fact, a plan for visiting our beloved former star in Trinidad and Tobogo has been hatched. It was hatched over Ole Grandad and pitchers at Cactus, where all good ideas begin.

Kudos go out to Smores who was drinking a water bottle and was trying to get out of there sober. Newbies sometimes do dumb things, but with a tiny bit of twisting of the arm by Legend he shelved the bottle of evian for a more unicorn appropriate beverage and was there till the last beer was finished at Grant Park. Kudos also goes out to Jackie O for being the last female standing. There is a correlation between drinking and the next week’s performance, so I think Jackie and Smores will be batting up in the order next weekend after a stellar performance from their bats and their liver.

Thanks to Squirrel and the Bassmaster for subbing this week. The Bassmaster was true to her name as she caught everything but an actual bass over at first base. Had Lake Michigan been a little closer she probably would have even caught one of those too just for the halibut.

Opening day is also a great time to debut new Unicorn trinkets. T-Bear toasted the win with a new Unicorn flask and a swig (or three or four) of his whiskey of preference Old Grandad. Legend also brought out a new Unicorn bed spread. Unfortunately, I think it had a few gross stains and some DNA from his roommates, but the unicorn looked cool.

Here is the line from the game: (for those wondering who these beautiful pink men and women are click here)

T-Bear 3-4 .750 avg 1 2B 1 1B 1HR 1RBI 3 R

Kangeroo 2-3 .666 avg 21B 1BB 1 R

El Turk 3-4 .750 avg 3 1B 1 R 1RBI

Pitch 1-3 .333avg 1 1B 1BB 1RBI 1R

Pitching line 7 IP 2 ER 6 K W ERA 3.05

Juice 2-4 .5001B 1HR 4RBI 2 R

Bassmaster 0-4

Legend 3-4 .750 1 RBI

Jackie O Unicorn 1-3 .333 avg 1 R

Smores 1-2 .500 1 HR 2RBI 1 R

Big Tuna 0-1

Squirrel 0-2

Unicorn leaders:

Home runs

T-Bear – 1

Smores – 1

Juice - 1

8 unicorns tied with 0

RBI leaders –

Juice – 4

Smores – 2

T-Bear – 1

El Turk – 1

Pitch – 1

Legend – 1

6 men and women in pink tied with 0

Average leaders –

T-Bear .750

El Turk .750

Legend .750

Kangeroo .666 (aahhhhh)

Juice - .500

Smores - .500

Jackie Ounicorn - .333

Pitch - .333

Runs scored –

T-Bear – 3

Juice – 2

Pitch, Kangeroo, Turk, Smores, Jackie – 1

Steals –

11 pinks tied with 0

Game winning RBI

T-Bear 1

It is always a sad sight to see the blue cooler disappearing into the Chicago night. Rejoice as it will return next week. Till then.

Coach T-Bear